Delightful Trip to the LaLa Land

•November 15, 2008 • Leave a Comment


Some time ago, I have learnt to embrace an elightenment spirite in the world of solidary.

My thinking was revolving around philosophical conception and endless introspections, that  were all thought to be so insightful to me at the time.

I remembered the time when we were watching “Batman- Dark Knight”. While everyone were indulging themselves in Heath ledger’s acting skill, I was way too preoccupied with peculiar thoughts such as: what was the underling message that of

“I believe… whatever doesn’t kill you simply makes you…stranger.”

I started questioning why serial killer anticipates in vicious killing games and why a conventional civilian would turn into an immoral psychopath? I developed awareness of my own mismatched thinking pattern and that was aggravating.

Many of his quote addresses morality:

‘Do I really look like a man with a plan, Harvey? I don’t have a plan. The mob has plans, the cops have plans. You know what I am, Harvey? I’m a dog chasing cars. I wouldn’t know what to do if I caught one. I just *do* things.’

“Introduce a little anarchy, you upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I am an agent of chaos. And you know the thing about chaos, Harvey? It’s fair.”

Indeed, fairness does disturb the established order to a certain extend. Fairness is a principle, like Liberty or Freedom which does not neccessarily exsit. In a civilised society, according to On Liberty, the rule of conduct of cilvilians are governed by moral coercion of public opinions.

“People on the 2 boats had to kill each other or be killed. To sweeten the deal, one of the boats was full of inmates.”

“Don’t talk like one of them, you’re not! Even if you’d like to be. To them, you’re just a freak–like me. They need you right now. When they don’t…they’ll cast you out. Like a leper. See, their morals, their code: it’s a bad joke. They’re dropped at the first sign of trouble. They’re only as good as the world allows them to be. You’ll see, when the chips are down these civilized people will eat each other.”

Anxiety Disorder-A Rude Awakening to My Life of Insanity

•November 14, 2008 • Leave a Comment

mask-of-insanityLife has turned in a complete chaos ever since prodrome stormed   into my life. Profrome refers to a period of decreased functioning prior to the first psychosis or the onset of schizophrenia. I wish I only knew it before its rude awakening to my life of insanity.

About six months ago, I studied my final exam like a zombie with the assistance of prescription drug dexamphetamine( Psycho-stimulant for Attention Deficit Disorder). I became withdrawn from friends and family which I thought to be the outcome of stress and depression. Over many restless days and nights, I buried my head in the textbooks and thanks to my supercharged brain power. All of those hard work compensated for the fact that I did not attend most of the classes. But I have now realized, It was nothing but a dysfunction robot struggled to deliver ever decaying performance.

I shed 10kgs since that I was not able to eat but live on the nutrient of cups and cups of full cream coffee with one sugar. Prior to the start of the exam, I was vomiting bile outside of the building; during the exam, I was not only struggled with stomach ache( was in fact chest pain), I also started hearing mp3 music on my phone, I was thinking:

” I must have accidently left the music on. Should I bend down to switch it off? What if people caught me on cheating, as we are not supposed to have our phone switched on?”

The music only gets louder and so as people started making a lot of noises walking out of the exam hall. I was vaguely aware of the mere hallucination,

” STOP IT!!!!!!” I shook my head hard and I’m not sure if I had screamed out aloud.

Overall, I was convinced that “severe anxiety disorder” was the real offender of my mental disturbance and declining academic performance. Therefore, I decided to take the semester off to recover from distress, but I had only became less motivated and certainly did not feel easier with a new chapter of ambivalence. I had never thought that it was the “Prodrome Phase” which is the onset of a path of esoteric, a path towards insanity.

Psychotic Jealous

•September 5, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Jealousy, a bitter feeling of hurt and hostility could be amplified and distorted into a powerful obsession, which disqualified one from enjoying a loving relationship.

You are angry. You feel violated. You want revenge. Alice, a female friend of mine  voiced her concerns to me about her boyfriend Justin’s habitual gawking at the blonde chicks. “At least not in front of my face” she bursted in anguish. She obviously believes that controlling his behaviour was the only solutions to her vulnerability.

Most of us have a tendency to blame others for  the cause of our emotional discomfort.  She complains to me:” If he didn’t worship other girls that way, I would not have felt so violated.” It is clear to me that her attempt to control over the other as a solution has a little merit in itself. Her verbalised frustration flags no threat but an attitude of powerlessness.

I suggested Alice to communicate her thoughts to Justine in a calmly manner without condemnation. She finally took the chance to sat down with him and approach this matter in various perspectives. Unsuprisingly, he upholds a strong righteousness about his behaviour based upon gender differences , ” I am a man, how do you expect me not look at a girl in a mini skirt.”

Alice obviously could not accept this reason, and her inability to find a solution to  fragile emotions to which has been further jeorpardised by itself.

” If you love me like the way you said you do, you must come up with some compromising responses, I don’t care if it is some sort of pretentious promise, but you need to be liable for your behaviours that caused me grief!” Such thought kept revolved and repeating itself in her brain back and forth, it almost feel a forthcoming storm swell on the edge of the cliff.

Her emotional upheaval kept her crying all night like a psychotic. She told me that Justin’s eyes filled with empathy, helplessness and ambivalence. He trivalised the matter and believes it is merely an episodic mental disturbance to which I agree.

Preceding to the confirmation of my second opinion, Alice demands me to tell her that her reaction is abnormal. She proposed to me about the preparation to endeavours her hardest to repress and suppress her feeling, for the sake of avoiding the cost of being perceived as a crazy insecure girlfriend. This become the only way for her to be abstained from the complexity of her other issues.

I was also right about suspicion about such a approach in which does not seem to be answerable to the problem but conversely, further entagles her mental wellbeing. I cannot remember who said that :” a thought killer a day, keeps the psychoanalysis at bay.”

In my opinion, her problem underlies the  lack of self-love. She may believe that her physical attractiveness is what warrants Justin’s love for her to such an extend that she does not realise that she has other quality to the exclusivity. This explains her insecurity within herself to which she often feels threatened by rival with the same or higher level of physical attractiveness. People with these kind of problems usually fears to be alone and the reason for them to have a relationship merely based upon their need for evidence to prove that they are lovable in which they do not believe deep down within themselves.

Who deserves the Ultimate Blame

•September 1, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Therapist asked JB : “If you can change a part of your past, what would that be? And why?”

JB cocked an eyebrow recites like a slogan : “Formulated reply never went far from the old chest nut : Nothing should have been changed as our past sculptured the present us”

Therapist asked JB: ” Well I only interested in want to what you think.”

JB said : ” I’m Sorry, it’s a force of habit to answer whatever my boss wants to hear. Frankly, I don’t give a dime about the past anymore”

Therapist is curious: ” Oh yeh? Why’s that? ”

JB shrugged:” God knows, Perhaps I am just an ordinary global product of Americanism, stumble along the tendency to look forward than backward. ”

Therapist is balls her eye out, questions:” So, this is the way to justify your lack of concern of from the past…..”

JB swiftly added:” and most importantly my anxiety of the uncertainties as well.”
Therapist contemplates :” interesting, and you said that you also contempt those who lives in the fantasy for an altered past?”

JB smugly blurted : “Precisely! Oh and I also blame my scorn for the unbearable present because of my British background.”

Therapist squints and tries to penetrate into JB’s mind: ” That explains a lot. So how do you see yourself in the future?”

JB snapped his finger:”  That’s what bugs me! I long for a transformation into the future. ”

Therapist :” and you don’t call that a fantasy?”

JB presents his opened palms: ” Hell no, fantasy is mourning over the impossible, but I live in the Apple era- ‘ Anything is possible”

Therapist is enlightened: “Well guess who deserves the ultimate blame? It’s the culture of convenience which cultivate people’s urgency for quick solutions of the unendurable. “

If you forgot where you have been, you won’t know where you are going

•August 17, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Perhaps, I shouldn’t voice over my personal frustration in such a “condemning” tone. Perhaps, I’m thwarted at the feeble myself. Perhaps, the way I’m being driven into a vicious cycle of aggravation as a result of a perpetual self-disapproval nature.

Looking back to the past, my achievements have ever quarantined from self-gratification. I’m not sure if I have ever tasted the joy of “Victory” even my defeated enemy present in front the mirror in constant misery. While my glory is yet to be affirmed but the battle is determined to be poignant.

Self-motivated endeavour has infinite power, to drive strong will to success and fulfillment only if we possess the power. Having a supercharged turbo sport is no guaranteed to excel; conversely, we doomed to fail if speed is over accelerated without restrain at the pinnacle, as called ” lose of control” . My argument is therefore: the overcharged strong will could derived our ability from feeling satisfied or happy.

Yes, being happy is neither an emotion, nor mental condition but an ability. No one is entitled to it just like having intact body part; regardless of gender, social economic background, appearance, body image academic performance etc. The ultimate ingredient for depression is not illness and poverty, but an inability to justify self-satisfaction. The way how some of us allow our value to be labeled against standards that are ever higher to achieve.

“If you’ve forgotten where you have been, you obviously wouldn’t know where you are going”. In cases like some among us tend to be reluctant to acknowledge our foregone achievements; instead, we gripping on the desirable destination, in terms of ” how to get there, how long does it take us there, or why are we not there yet.”

For instant, a frustrated manager wondering why he’s unable to influence his subordinates’ input the way he expects. There could be millions of lingering factors, eg. work design, economic climate etc; however, we would like to limit our discuss more inclined to a motivational approach. I’d say he has a lack of understanding about them, just like you don’t fully understand yourself well enough. Sometimes we to over focus on particular traits, could be either positive and negative depends on the various situation and personalities.

We offer favours to people who we project to appreciate our action. I don’t feel like I can ever pleased my dad in despite of my best endeadours, every time when I rang him to say hello, he complaints that I don’t call him enough, rather than be gland that I rang. So I subconsciously avoid ringing him , as I feel pressured to do so.

Applying in the situation in which our mind(e.g. the way we think) dominates our action and feeling, the danger occurs when we fails to acknowledge our achievements, but constantly urge ourselves to strive. That explains how some people get caught up in vicious cycle :” harder endeadour rewards no success but failure”. One’s unconscious mind simply lost the motivation to strive for better outcome even without one’s realization.

Alternatively, our self-esteem damages throughout a series of suppressed frustration, not hard to imagine some of us are more likely to response such sensation; in the long run, we lost our faith in us, our believe in our ability; again, such logic process functions in our unconscious mind, we may not always realize our mind may have possibly expelled enthusiasm in order to avoid forthcoming failure.

Scary like it sounds, I went the way hard to come up with the above realization as I am now truly strung by the “curse of failure”- too strong to give in, too frail to give more. ( Continued in “curse of failure”- too strong to give in, too frail to give more.

Finding a New Way Out

•August 16, 2008 • Leave a Comment

“I’m STUCK!!!!” People yelling out aloud when they notice themselves being trapped into sticky situations or states which cause obstruction. The despaired individuals are desperate to find “a ways out”, who anticipate to be rescued. It is never the end of the world with a realistic sense of self-awareness I don’t think, as long as one still looks forward to glimpse of hope.

” Things can’t be any worse, just hold on to your faith, fight for it and do the best you can, I’m sure the situation will be better sooner than you think.” Comforting remarks are the blind stick to rely on walking through the dark.

The fact is things can always be worse. Excuse my ridicule, but do you know when you are really stuck? It is when you are accommodating and somewhat ease with the undesirable condition if you only know. Although it is repulsive to admit : people that stuck tend unconsciously lie to themselves and the others, claimed ” It’s life, there’s nothing you can do about it”. Not a reference to daily frustrating trivial, but to lived like a corpse, a dysfunctional being armed against virtus and retreated into the “windows safe mode”. But you’re reluctant to restore the system because there’s no healthy state on the record.

Overt harsh indeed. Perhaps, I shouldn’t voice over my personal frustration in such a “condemning” tone. Perhaps, I’m thwarted at the feeble myself. Perhaps, the way I’m being driven into a vicious cycle of aggravation as a result of a perpetual self-disapproval nature. (Continued in article ” If you don’t know where you’ve been, you don’t know where you’re going” …) Continue reading ‘Finding a New Way Out’

Value the Difference

•August 11, 2008 • Leave a Comment

My own personal background is Applied Advanced Mathematical Economics, merely the literate thought of it, was used to be enough to make me cringed a little. My instinctive presumption was “It must be a sour staled lemon”- distasteful. The most challenging part is that it requires us to break through the freewill of thinking, and transformed into a highly logic- in the abstract sense. For instance, when it requires you to think : ” an apple is in fact an orange.” Then you must be think how can that happen? But you just need to assume it was the case and analyse whatever requests, in a multi-dimension realm. Are you with me? Yes? No? Don’t worry.

I guess my message is trying to convey that, withhold your original perceptions and develop much more broader apprehension. My boyfriend is an extreme opinionated person, (ps. I think it’s an ego phenomenon:- a “tough” macho imagine that he desires to be perceived) He asks my opinion of XYZ, (ps. Again, I think is a “high ball” strategy, an unconscious reaction of human when they feel like being evaluated). I was reluctant to explicit my POV, he pressured ” Is it because you are not confident in enough to at least express your opinion?”

I smiled while remained claim as usual, I tipped down my chin, slight natural frowned as I had a brain freeze when the sentence is right at the tip of the tongue; then I looked back up to his face and swiftly glance about 15 degrees away, my left shoulder shrugged a little and said : ” No, I don’t think my opinion matters…..” He is attentive to his opportunity to speak, quickly rubbed in before I finished my sentence :” So you are afraid others’ opinion about you?” At this exact moment, I felt the need to expel his own perceived advantage position to further pressure and interrogate me like a criminal. At this exact moment, I looked right at him, emotionless. At this exact moment, dilated pupils not out of being offended, but out of the experience of an enlightenment – that I discovered a profound way of thinking style that acquired throughout the years, I knew precisely what to say, my inner pride heightened deep inside my humble shield, smiled out of witty joy ” An objective opinion is prejudice, that I choose to discard, in hopes to stand higher to see more”.

All things are subject to interpretation whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth.
-Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

I deeply believe “There are no facts, only interpretations”, thus I decided to setting up a blog to track down my insights and learning, while they are constantly modified based on my reflection that is shared with fellow bloggers. As I believe conflicts(various form,including inner spiritual) are mostly created by a lack of understanding in different interpretations). One who values the difference in perceptions, it is the one who is able to gain upon one’s own awareness. Once again, difference shouldn’t be a hindrance but a facilitator that makes life more interesting, and that is something we often neglected .

Demystify the Twisted Apprehension of Fear and Depression (Part I)

•August 6, 2008 • Leave a Comment

“What doesn’t kill you, make you stranger”- The Joker

Sometime ago, I started to affiliate myself with “anxiety disorder” or “depression”, which isn’t that strange really, considering the fact that mental illness is already a prevalent lexicon in the current society. The mainstream scientific explainations are: Some cynic perceive the phenomenon as another marketing device- constantly invent demand and eventually benefits the pharmaceutical industry. While some thinks that “People use to juggle with 2 balls, and now we’re doing 4,5 or even 6.”

Hence, such condition is not such a valid excuse to justify our vulnerability or inactivity. Human brains are so complex and resourceful, look at these fruitful technology development; and yet they can be so weak some point, that could drive us crumbled to the floor.

On the other hand, we are only human for God’s sake, why do we need those so called “psychiatrist” to label what is the “normal” “abnormal” human emotion and behaviour? And don’t get me start on that blaming game, according to Psyblog “Mental illness may have been exaggerated

“If you continue to tell someone they have a disorder, they soon come to believe it.”

Sufferers maybe thinking ” So why have changed the way I feel? How can I get out of it? Life sucks at the moment! Help me!!!” In terms of Demystifying the Twisted Apprehension of Fear and Depression, I am here to argue : YOU think the way you feel; YOU and there’s ONLY YOU can make you feel better, and I will introduce some “How-tos” in the next few parts or the series.

Demystify the Twisted Apprehension of Fear and Depression (Part II)

•August 6, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Psychiatry is the pressure value of the society
Author argues Psychiatry is an “illusion” that a society needs , it is a lie which created unrealistic expectations in people and no way of fulfilling them. Here’s what a society looks like under the similar economic conditions, but without psychiatry:

The absence of hope

Today’s popular frustrations over flat-lining living standards have been building for years. The recent boom, felt only by the already well-off, has done little to change that discontent. Labor unrest has been growing for months; violent protests erupted… corporate taxes will be raised and gasoline subsidies cut… The move was designed to take the steam out of boiling anti-government sentiment.

I must admit when things go wrong, people always tend to find something else to blame in order to make us feel better. The so called mainstream explanation of “brain chemical imbalance” is not yet validated in a more persuasive way to justify our uncontrollable negative feelings. People with disturbed mental condition can not afford to be any more guilty about their unhappiness is, in fact a result of the way they think.

I personally interpret mental illness as a condition when one’s perception( expectation, interpretation, self-evaluation) is not adjusted in a equilibrium state with ones surrounding environment.

I disagree with the way you portrait human,much overtly vulnerable than we already are. My attitude is sceptical but not cynical, the difference is cynics are “do-nothingism”, so strong on their POV but at the same time so weak to believe in themselves.

If we can’t change how things are, then change the way we think. Roads are only exists by your willingness to explore. I’m not kidding either.

Captive Of The Tobacco Army

•July 24, 2008 • 3 Comments

At this present time, I am trying my hardest to free my mind from nicotine addiction. I’ve tried to scull down 5 shots of coffee just to compensate a stimulation that I long for. I closed my eyes fantasising a peaceful forest or whatever it takes to retreat to a serene state of mind.  Before I philosophize the habit of smoking , I would like to commence with the feeling of smoking.

A lot of non-smokers could not understand why people smoke. Do we really enjoy the stale stench of cigarettes clinging to our unhealthily frail bodies? Probably not, yet I must admit the feelings of smoking are both stimulating and sedating, like an aftermath of an orgasm, feeling totally and completely relaxed and content for those few, precious moments, especially after a long crave. But it soon wears off and the urgent inadmissible need returns – must have more.

I’m fantasising the indescribable feeling of smoking – give it a light peck and immerse into fragrance of rawness straight out of the pack, lighten up its tip, watching the burning embers of smoke spiral through the airy breeze and slowly disappear. I’m inhaling in the thick grey fog that surrounds me, spluttering in disgust at this putrid taste.

Nevertheless, the pleasant sensation is swelling rapidly along the lining of my spine, the back of my neck, passing through and circulating to the brains. I close my eyes, enjoy the spinning world, the turbulent tingles running along my body. I am not sure if my heart is pounding harder or it is about to settle. I opened my eyes, feeling my enlarging pupils, mellowing the heighten agitation with an immense sense of relieved after a long crave. Eyelids are too heavy to keep my eye opened, Must I be a  creature with five tones of weight, falling into the abyss, or must I be a piece of feather that drifting in the air?

I question on the level of the flattering sensation we often caressed. It is not hard to pin point those captives of The Tobacco Army. Puppets that manipulates by little stupid dry leaves sticks. Why would us powerful sovereign individuals struggle to function without its present. Far from being accepted, I feel like being excluded and the label of  a “smoker” makes me feel as if I’m diseased in public.  I condemn my weakness to the self -control of my behaviours, emotions and desire.  I condemn my internal contradiction that manifested itself into irrational choice. We  succumb to the overpowering addition underlies the guilt-ridden pleasure; clearly aware of the fact that the more we do it, the more difficult it will be to stop, caught up in the vicious cycle of addition.

Most smokers regards a smoking habit to the source of solution to particular unpleasant moment, to alleviate tension or indifference- we aim to alter the way we feel. Indeed Marmar said that the tension does not come simply from the fact of inconsistency; rather, it is triggered more broadly by threats to our reputation or self-image. As the psychologist Elliott Aronson(1980) concluded, we deceive ourselves specifically when confronted with the evidence that we are not “nice and in control”; we are not well-motivated and competent as we would like others to think, and the need to reduce it is the unconscious need to explain that evidence away.